Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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