i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Did I show you my penis last night?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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