I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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