tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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