ya dads aren't the best wingmen
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
