Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My ass is underappreciated
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
