Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
