My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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