I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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