i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize