y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
