TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
