My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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