Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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