He had one of those small greek statue penises
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
