There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
