I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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