He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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