words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
