Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
