I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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