We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
