I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
there's paper in my vomit.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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