Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
