Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
