man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
