Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
