you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
All I want is dick and wine.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
