So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She's the barista slut.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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