OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
