my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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