Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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