NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
