i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
