we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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