Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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