She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
