I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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