I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Randomize
