I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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