if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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