So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
