apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
