We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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