my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
