Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
