I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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