Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
