i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
