Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I stole a fireplace last night.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize