Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
