you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
