she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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