its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
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