I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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