mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
