Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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