I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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