Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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