I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
