hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
