...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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