just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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