If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
